And the Prince Without Armor
by Cradlerobber Speedo-kun
Summary: Missing scene type fic set during S3's Switch. So, how did Palmer ever get back up that hill? Crack slash pairing ahead, one sided PalmerxDiNozzo.


A/N: There is a sad, sad dearth of JimmyxDiNozzo fics out there… it just might be my favorite crack pairing in the fandom. Anyway, this has been nagging at me to write ever since I re-watched "Switched". Sort of a "missing scene"-type deal; I included the prior scene, too, though, so if you recognize words, they are not my own and belong solely to the scriptwriters. Hope you enjoy.

…**and the prince with no armor**

Once again, Jimmy Palmer had managed to be far less than swift at the scene of a crime. He should've known when Dr. Mallard had cast a pointed glance at his shoes, and voiced his hope that Jimmy had more appropriate footwear, that there was no way it could end well. And, so, here he was, inelegantly sprawled on the ground near the bottom of the ravine, an unfortunate burning in his ankle.

He gingerly sat up, already feeling the steady swell of bruises littering his body. Behind him he could hear the slight snicker from DiNozzo, followed, predictably by the derisive, "Good hustle, Palmer."

It was bad enough that he seemed to be generally regarded by Gibbs' team as absent-minded and a borderline klutz – but he wished that perhaps Ziva had been the one sent down with McGee, not Tony. Ziva certainly would've had less than kind words for him, but he was sure she'd ultimately lend a hand regardless; Tony he couldn't be so sure of. Not to mention that tripping down a hill in front of a man he would admit to, maybe just maybe, having a slight crush on… well, while he knew he had no chance, it was extremely debilitating to his confidence nonetheless.

He heard someone cautiously slipping down the slope behind him, and McGee soon appeared next to him, "You okay?"

"I'm not sure – I may've sprained my ankle, I haven't checked it yet."

He leaned to roll his sock down so he could get a better look at his ankle. While he was inspecting it, DiNozzo came down the slope, carrying one of the cases Jimmy had managed to drop in his fall. He set it down, and watched as Jimmy felt around the already-swelling ankle, a frown on his face.

After a few minutes of this, Jimmy sighed, a dejected look on his face as he continued to gaze at the limb in question, "Oh, yeah. I think it's sprained, guys. Oh, Doctor Mallard's going to be upset, isn't he?"

McGee gave him a sympathetic look, "Ah, wouldn't worry about him, but if Gibbs sees you wearing loafers at a crime scene…"

"He'll pretty much kill you dead." DiNozzo finished, crouching down to poke the ankle himself. Jimmy jumped slightly, yelping in pain, and swatted DiNozzo's hand away, "Hey! That hurt!"

DiNozzo started to respond, but was cut off from a yell from Ducky, "Is anybody going to join me down here?"

McGee blinked in surprise, wondering how the good doctor had managed to make it down to the body without attracting anyone's attention, "Uh… Gibbs said not to get too close!"

DiNozzo straightened up from his crouched position, looking down the slope to the inverted car, "Yeah, you really shouldn't be down there, Ducky. It's not safe." He squinted slightly, trying to catch sight of the doctor's form.

Ducky's voice came again, "The exit wound to the Petty Officer's neck seems to indicate the bullet went straight through. There could be a spent round that might be crucial to our investigation!"

DiNozzo's gaze now turned itself to McGee, a smirk building on his face. McGee blanched slightly, "Why, as you've pointed out many times, I'm just a junior field agent."

"All the more reason you need the experience, Probie."

"How about I follow in your footsteps? You lead the way." McGee smiled hopefully, but the smirk on DiNozzo's face failed to vanish.

"How about you kiss my experienced buttocks?"

Jimmy, who was only following the conversation peripherally, meanwhile was attempting to locate the second equipment case he had been carrying down the hill when he lost his balance. He twisted himself, trying to get a better look at the terrain above him, hoping to see the case from where he was sitting. But it was hard to tell, especially when one of the lenses for his eyeglasses had managed to crack in the fall (1); that he had a spare but had left them in the truck served only to further remind him of his errors of the day.

Ducky's irritated tone caught Jimmy's attention, and he stopped his vain search for the second equipment case, "Am I going to have to call Jethro on this one, gentlemen?"

It was DiNozzo's turn to sigh, "Chance of finding that bullet are one in a million…" He brightened though, as he turned to McGee, "So, what're you waiting for? Hop to it, Probie."

McGee gave DiNozzo an annoyed look, but turned to start up the hill nonethless.

"Uh-uh, what do you think you're doing?"

McGee turned his head slowly, the annoyed look building, "Going to get the bullet, Tony."

DiNozzo smiled, and McGee inwardly shuddered slightly, knowing that nothing good was going to come from DiNozzo at this point. "Well, you would be forgetting to get this," he indicated the medical case at his feet, "and that," he gestured now to the other case, which was a few feet off the trail and further up the ravine, "back up to the truck."

McGee scowled, "And why can't you get one of them?"

"Well, gee, Probie, I'd love to, but I gotta finish the sketches of the scene, now don't I? And you can give me the camera while we're at it…"

McGee handed the camera to DiNozzo as he went to get the case, looking pissed despite his lack of words of protest.

DiNozzo snickered slightly, watching McGee's retreating form struggle up the steep incline with both cases. He looked down at Jimmy, "Now, my dear autopsy gremlin, how are we going to get you back up there?"

"Um, well… I could… uh…" Jimmy sputtered slightly. He hadn't really thought beyond getting the second case back, other than that he needed to ice his ankle as soon as he got back to the truck – even having the truck enter his mind hadn't caused him to consider his options for getting up the hill. He sputtered a little more before letting his lack of ideas die in his throat, and settled for looking blankly up at DiNozzo.

"Seems you hadn't thought of that…" He took his NCIS cap off and gently set the camera down in it, before placing the sketchpad to the side of it. He then stood up and yelled down the ravine, "Hey, Ducky, can you keep an eye on the camera and sketchpad? I gotta get Palmer back up the hill…"

"Well, why on earth do you have to do that, Tony? I could use Mr. Palmer's help down here, honestly…"

"Well, Duckman, he did a nice impression of a swan dive down the hill."

"Oh bother… Mr. Palmer, I thought I told you to change your footwear!"

Jimmy ducked his head in embarrassment, "I'm sorry, doctor, I should've listened to you."

"Well, never mind about it now – it can't be helped. I'll make sure no one walks off with the camera, Tony."

DiNozzo crouched down, "Think you can manage to get on, Palmer?"

Jimmy's head snapped up, shock clearly visible on his face, "Wait… you're going to _carry_ me?"

"Well, unless you really wanna try to _crawl_ up, yes, Palmer, I am going to carry you."

"Um, well, yes, of course I can… or, I think I can manage, that is if…"

"Hurry up, gremlin, it's not that much of a decision." DiNozzo snapped.

"Um, ok, sorry." Jimmy awkwardly hauled himself over to DiNozzo, "I hope I'm not too heavy…"

DiNozzo eased himself up, hands supporting Palmer's legs, "No, you're not, but I sincerely hope you are not planning on making this a habit."

"Oh, of course not! I wouldn't dream of…" He trailed off, afraid to make himself look foolish once again. DiNozzo carefully made his way up the ravine, leaning into the incline to keep his balance. Jimmy tipped his head to the side, his face hot. Being so close to Tony… he tried to think of harmless things. Like autopsies and pigeons.

Despite the slow pace, Jimmy was disappointed when the road suddenly seemed to appear. Although he had felt embarrassed the whole way up, he couldn't help but wish it had maybe lasted just a few more minutes – it wasn't as if he has going to get that sort of chance ever again.

"DiNozzo, what are you doing with Palmer?" Jimmy cringed slightly at Gibbs' voice.

"Well, boss, Palmer here thought a merit badge in hiking meant he could run down a ravine in loafers."

Jimmy avoided looking at Gibbs, but he could feel the sharp piercing stare of his nonetheless. "He can make it from here, DiNozzo – you get your ass back down there and finish the sketches."

"Of course, boss. Alright, gremlin, you can take it from here." He crouched again, and Jimmy slid off, careful to not put any weight on the offending ankle, "Um, thanks, Agent DiNozzo…"

"No need to thank me – your little fall will certainly pay dividends in the realm of storytelling." He smirked here, and Jimmy stuttered slightly, attempting to reply. But as Tony turned on his heel, Jimmy gave up, and began his hobble back to the medical examiner's truck.

"Palmer looks quite red, Tony." Ziva remarked as she joined him, having been re-assigned by Gibbs to photographing the crime scene in McGee's stead.

"Eh, Gremlin's just embarrassed as usual, Ziva – probably mortified that he disappointed Ducky."

"Ah, of course."

Jimmy tugged the door open of the truck, and dragged himself up onto the seat. As he sat up, his hand grabbed the first aid kit under the dashboard. He quickly retrieved an ice pack from it, and slammed it against the door handle. The pack became cool almost instantly, and he slipped off his shoe, propping his leg on his other knee as he pressed the pack to his injured ankle.

He gazed out the windshield now, watching the various law enforcement agents skittering here and there, and smiled slightly as he watched poor McGee crawling on his hands and knees, searching for the missing bullet. He leaned back in the seat, letting his eyelids close, and remembered a story his mother had told him once when he was a very small child… a story of a prince without armor, and a princess he helped up a hill…

I sort of wondered how his glasses managed to not get broken despite the fact that it looked like he probably went headfirst when he finally fell.

Apologies for the sappy ending!


End file.
